It is a strange world that survivors of abuse live in—we can see other’s pain yet we know they are afraid to talk because of the abuse, so now many of us won’t start conversations. Sometimes if we have a mutual friend we will get them to find out for us. If we stay behind the scenes we won’t get the person hurt—or so we think. Once we know the truth, we fear that our involvement will cause their abuser to hurt them even more—so we sometimes pull away a little more.

I feel that survivors who have spent some time healing are best equipped, emotionally, to talk to the person. They know how to protect themselves and how to make a plan to help the other person. To be of genuine assistance, you have to be calm and unemotional about the abuse. If you are emotional, angry or crying, then you cannot effectively help someone out of their situation. You must be level-headed and know what you are going to say. You also have to accept rejection if the person isn’t ready to get help. (However, I draw the line if there are children in the home. Being abused or not, living in an abusive environment is damaging to them and they need to be helped.)

It is hard for people being abused to admit it to anyone, even if they have visible marks and bruises. They will give every excuse in the book—I know, because my family did this most of the time. You just have to take your time, gain their trust, and promise them that you will not let on so they don’t get hurt even more. My mom was separated from friends and relatives early on in her abuse: my father knew to keep her isolated and he could abuse her and us kids with no one knowing. It wasn’t until 1978 or so that people started to realize that my household wasn’t normal and safe. My mom never would admit the abuse—even when my father spent a night in jail or co-workers came to the house to check on her when she called in sick—so I know how debilitating that fear of telling someone is.

If you read this blog and know of someone or feel someone is being abused, please show this to them. Maybe they will realize that they can leave the situation—the first step is trying to trust someone.

I, for one, want to help everyone—especially children—but know that I have my limitations. I have a hope and a dream that someday abuse will end. I hope through my blogs, my story and my fledgling program, Amnesty From Abuse, that I can reach someone and help them. My life is changing daily and my therapy is helping me so someday I will be out there and changing the way abuse is handled. I hope that someday we survivors can all experience a happy life, without fear.

Stacey M. Kananen
Advocate, Author, Abuse survivor
Co-founder of Amnesty for Abuse
http://www.amnestyforabuse.com

Stacey Kananen’s father violently and sexually abused his entire family. He vanished in 1988 and 15 years later his wife went missing. Stacey’s brother had killed both parents. Stacey cooperated as a witness until he told police that she helped him with the crimes. She was arrested and her trial, which aired on CNN’s In Session, ended with a not guilty verdict after her attorney proved that she had been railroaded.

Now that her personal life is no longer private, Stacey is using her story to make waves. She and co-author Lisa Bonnice have signed a publishing deal with Berkley Books. They created the Amnesty for Abuse program to address the dynamic that stops families from asking for help: fear, shame and hopelessness. She states, “If a program like this existed during my childhood, both parents would be alive, my brother would not be in jail and my family would have been spared years of anguish and terror.”

Publications
Sink or Swim–the Stacey M. Kananen story (Berkley Books, 2012)

Media Experience
BBC Documentary: America’s Child Death Shame

If you have read my story or my other blogs, you know that I was accused of and arrested for my mom’s murder. Thank God I was found not guilty, but as a result I have been estranged from several members of my family since 2003. One day, a beloved family member—who I missed terribly over those years—reconnected with me, seemingly with an open heart and mind. I have been close with this person for a little over a year, and now this person suddenly changed their mind and apparently believes that I am actually capable of murdering my mother, who I loved dearly. We went out to dinner last week, and that loved one attacked me verbally, in the restaurant, loudly accusing me of heinous crimes. That kind of betrayal can totally tear you down. For me, it made me wonder, “Why am I still alive? Why did I trust that someone could actually love me? Why did I think I have the right to heal and be happy?”

I have gone through severe depression from this attack—nothing hurts more than hearing yourself being called a murderer. Nothing hurts more than being treated so horribly. It caused me to instantly flashback to my childhood and to my father who called me useless, stupid, and a waste of life. I know that I am the weakest of the three of us children, but it hurts when I can’t remain in the present.

When I was a child, I couldn’t swallow pills because of my abuse—in fact it was only in the last six months I have just begun to swallow pills. Since this verbal, painful attack, I can no longer swallow my anti-depressants without struggling and some days cannot even get them down. In addition, until this year, I kept my nails extremely short because when my father would rape me he wouldn’t allow nails longer than the end of my fingertip. If they were longer and he got a mark while raping me, I would get a severe beating. This year, I was finally feeling like there would be no repercussions so I was able to grow my nails without panic. But now, after this attack, I no longer can stop myself from chewing my nails down to the quick. It is not something that I can control.

It is sad and debilitating that anyone or anything can tear a person back down to where they were when they were being abused. I was abused from the age of four until I was 22. I am now 45 and I still have that mental instability. It is a horrible place to be in and finding a freedom from this is almost impossible. My therapist and I have been working on this for awhile now, my wondering if I deserve to be alive and I was making remarkable progress. Then something like this happens, and we start all over. That is something that many don’t understand.

No matter how many years have passed since the abuse, no matter how many years of therapy a person has had, the triggers may always be a part of your life. The trick is to learn how not to let them cripple my daily life.

I am beginning to explore alternative methods of healing, like EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), which many say gives almost miraculous relief from PTSD and abuse triggers. While I’m still learning how it works, I intend to make it a big part of my advocacy program, Amnesty for Abuse. I’ll keep you posted on my progress, and I would love to hear about your experiences with EFT.

Stacey M. Kananen
Advocate, Author, Abuse survivor
Co-founder of Amnesty for Abuse
http://www.amnestyforabuse.com

Stacey Kananen’s father violently and sexually abused his entire family. He vanished in 1988 and 15 years later his wife went missing. Stacey’s brother had killed both parents. Stacey cooperated as a witness until he told police that she helped him with the crimes. She was arrested and her trial, which aired on CNN’s In Session, ended with a not guilty verdict after her attorney proved that she had been railroaded.

Now that her personal life is no longer private, Stacey is using her story to make waves. She and co-author Lisa Bonnice have signed a publishing deal with Berkley Books. They created the Amnesty for Abuse program to address the dynamic that stops families from asking for help: fear, shame and hopelessness. She states, “If a program like this existed during my childhood, both parents would be alive, my brother would not be in jail and my family would have been spared years of anguish and terror.”

Publications
Sink or Swim–the Stacey M. Kananen story (Berkley Books, 2012)

Media Experience
BBC Documentary: America’s Child Death Shame

The holidays, for my family, were especially bad because of school vacation and we were home with my father, who didn’t work (due to disability). He had two whole weeks to terrorize us without Mom home. He played horrible tricks on us, like pretending to shoot Santa off the roof and leaving pig’s blood in the snow for us to find on Christmas morning, and stomping on gifts which had been wrapped and placed under the tree, as a punishment for minor infractions.

But worst of all, for me, was the discovery on December 23, 2003 of my mother’s body, buried in my back yard. My brother had killed her and buried her there months before and the police finally found her that day, two days before Christmas. So great was my pain that I tried to commit suicide but was stopped, in time, by the police.

Mom and me, Christmas 1999

My brother is now in jail and I’m left to make sense of this whole thing. And December is the hardest month of them all. I have a goal for this month, and that week in particular. I want to get through that week on a steady keel. I have to make a sense of peace with that day. I have to find a way on that day to honor my mom and mourn the loss of my brother. I want to remember what happened with the respect and love for my mom that it deserves. I do not, however, want to be weak and entertain thoughts of suicide.

If that is not how that week goes, I know that I have support from family, friends and my therapist. I have to allow myself to reach out on that day if I need help. I must not take a drink; and if I decide that suicide is my only answer I must decide that I don’t want to be a voice for abused children across the country.

Whatever happens during that week, the one and only goal that I refuse not to succeed at is this: I will remain alive—if for no other reason than the only people who can truly change the way this country treats domestic violence/child abuse are people who have lived through it and survived. I have something to say on the topic and I will not give up until things change or I die of old age.

December 23 is a day with horrific memories attached. I am not trying to minimize that day; but I am trying to find a way to survive the memories. Mom, I know you watch over all of us so please help me find the strength to make it through that day without a drink and without suicidal thoughts. Mom, I will always love and cherish you.

Stacey M. Kananen
Advocate, Author, Abuse survivor
Co-founder of Amnesty for Abuse
http://www.amnestyforabuse.com

Stacey Kananen’s father violently and sexually abused his entire family. He vanished in 1988 and 15 years later his wife went missing. Stacey’s brother had killed both parents. Stacey cooperated as a witness until he told police that she helped him with the crimes. She was arrested and her trial, which aired on CNN’s In Session, ended with a not guilty verdict after her attorney proved that she had been railroaded.

Now that her personal life is no longer private, Stacey is using her story to make waves. She and co-author Lisa Bonnice have signed a publishing deal with Berkley Books. They created the Amnesty for Abuse program to address the dynamic that stops families from asking for help: fear, shame and hopelessness. She states, “If a program like this existed during my childhood, both parents would be alive, my brother would not be in jail and my family would have been spared years of anguish and terror.”

Publications
Sink or Swim–the Stacey M. Kananen story (Berkley Books, 2012)

Media Experience
BBC Documentary: America’s Child Death Shame

The letter writer said that an officer called last winter to say that her daughter had been found battered, with a broken arm, standing on a street corner. He believed that she had been beaten by the man she lived with and he had “kicked her outside to freeze.” This man had threatened the parents in the past, demanding money to ensure that their daughter wouldn’t be homeless. He was also “bringing other women home for sex,” and the daughter stayed with him anyway. Now the daughter is pregnant and the letter writer is terrified for the future of her grandchild, as she lives across the country and doesn’t know what to do.

Abby’s advice, while well meaning, fell far short of the mark and only scratched the surface. She, in essence, told the woman to make sure the daughter knew she could come to her parents for help. This advice does nothing for the kids that will be born into this mess. My mother was told the same thing by her parents, and yet my father was still able to rape and beat all three of us kids until my brother killed him (and then killed my mom 15 years later).

But let’s start at the beginning: the letter implies that the police officer did not arrest or question the man, or even offer the daughter a safe haven. I don’t understand, in the year 2011, why people are still keeping their heads in the sand and not helping victims of abuse. This woman is pregnant so now another innocent child will be born into an abusive home. These grandparents need someone in the daughter’s town to step up and do something. Someone needs to report the abuse—the broken bones, bruises and being locked out. Here is the opportunity for the system to do the right thing.

When I was growing up in the 80′s, it didn’t matter if you called the police to report domestic violence. I know this first hand—I called 911 one night when my father was beating my mom so viciously that it was clear he intended to kill her. When the officer showed up, my father answered the door and said everything was fine. No one else in the house was spoken to or seen—even though I told them, when I called, that he was on probation (he had threatened to kill one of our neighbors). When the officer left, I was severely beaten.

Why do the police still close their eyes to abuse? Why is it that this system still refuses to listen to the cries from abuse victims? Many people say that the victims should just leave on their own. Others say that the children will be fine and the adult chooses to stay in the situation. I am here to say that when you are abused that severely, thrown out of your home with broken bones and still stay, you are obviously too traumatized to think clearly.

In my house we all knew that if my mom had tried to leave, we all would have died. That is how the abuser wins—FEAR. The grandparents in this situation are like my relatives. They don’t live close enough to be there, but also don’t know how to help. If I were them, I would find a way to be there when the baby was born. I would stay nearby as long as I could afford it, and I would support my daughter any way I could. If they show support, they may be able to help her decide to leave.

I would also try to find a way to have someone check on the baby on a regular daily basis. They can’t just close their eyes to the abuse they know is happening to their daughter, but they also cannot force her to leave or the door will be closed on them.

I would question the police in that town as to why no arrest was made and why they didn’t take the daughter to the hospital, even if she didn’t want to go. That would have started the ball rolling. The hospitals now are trained to look for abuse and report it.

Dear Abby, you need to please follow up with this family. As an advice columnist you should have advised these grandparents to seek professional guidance with this issue. You have no idea how abuse can escalate in a home. These grandparents came to you for advice, and you should have taken the time to find resources for them to talk to. People in this country need to realize that all abuse in a home affects everyone in that home—abuser, spouse, and children.

I fear that this country is still in the dark ages when it comes to abuse. I read it every day and hear it on the news. This country needs to face this epidemic head-on or children from abusive homes risk ending up where my brother is—in jail for the murders of both parents, so psychologically and physically damaged that he couldn’t remain rational. Is that what this country wants—abused children killing their abusive parents? I would like to think not. As a country, let’s work together to find a solution to the epidemic of domestic violence and child abuse.

Stacey M. Kananen
Advocate, Author, Abuse survivor
Co-founder of Amnesty for Abuse
http://www.amnestyforabuse.com

Stacey Kananen’s father violently and sexually abused his entire family. He vanished in 1988 and 15 years later his wife went missing. Stacey’s brother had killed both parents. Stacey cooperated as a witness until he told police that she helped him with the crimes. She was arrested and her trial, which aired on CNN’s In Session, ended with a not guilty verdict after her attorney proved that she had been railroaded.

Now that her personal life is no longer private, Stacey is using her story to make waves. She and co-author Lisa Bonnice have signed a publishing deal with Berkley Books. They created the Amnesty for Abuse program to address the dynamic that stops families from asking for help: fear, shame and hopelessness. She states, “If a program like this existed during my childhood, both parents would be alive, my brother would not be in jail and my family would have been spared years of anguish and terror.”

Publications
Sink or Swim–the Stacey M. Kananen story (Berkley Books, 2012)

Media Experience
BBC Documentary: America’s Child Death Shame

I am not sure where to start with this topic, but as a survivor of child abuse I am appalled at a judge that can call that beating “discipline.” Discipline is one or two spankings without a belt that doesn’t cause a child marks or harm on their body. I realize that everyone has their own definition of discipline, but as someone who grew up in a household where my mom and we three children were never safe from physical, emotional and sexual abuse, I have my own opinion.

That young girl was terrified of her father, but smart enough to leave a camera on to document it. I, as an abuse survivor, was not able to watch the entire 7+ minutes of taping. It brought back way too many painful memories of my own childhood. I am saddened that a judge in this country who deals with child abuse cases would ever treat his own child this way even if Texas does allow corporal punishment. Texas or not, that doesn’t excuse an adult from unleashing this much anger on any child. No action by a child deserves this type of treatment.

Regarding the blame that people are heaping upon the mom, I am on the fence with this one. In my house, my mom took so many more beatings than us children, and couldn’t protect us any more than she did. At times, I think that a parent is so overwhelmed and injured physically and emotionally that they can’t help their children. I know and have accepted that was the case in my household. My mom lived only because at times she backed away during our beatings and rapes. People not knowing my father won’t understand this next statement, but here goes anyway: If my mom had gotten in between anything to help us children, my father would have killed her, as he had shot at her and severely beaten her many times before. That would have left us children at his mercy. We lived in the country most of our lives, and would move from state to state on my father’s whim. If this were to have happened, my father would have either killed all of us or moved away where no one would know we existed. Then, how would we have survived–AT HIS MERCY–hoping that he wouldn’t want to kill us all?

Do any of us really know what that judge in Texas did to his entire family on a daily basis? I am here to tell you NO! Abuse is so hidden behind closed doors that no one knows the truth of the numbers of children and adults that are abused to this extent everyday. I only hope that the state of Texas takes a long, hard look at this video and decides to remove this man from the bench. I wish that there was no statute of limitations for child abuse cases because so many, many times children are too young and frightened to tell anyone about their abusive childhoods.

My mother, myself and my two siblings are prime examples of the fear. My brother is over 50 years of age and killed both of my parents–one in 1988, one in 2003. This was because of the damage caused by the abuse. My sister doesn’t communicate with me because she was convinced by the system I had something to do with my parents’ deaths. I was wrongly charged with my parents’ deaths–one charged dropped entirely, one charge found not guilty.

So, as you can see allowing someone to abuse their children can destroy everyone so much later in life. Is there an answer to this longtime epidemic? I hope so and it is a project that my co-author Lisa Bonnice and I are working. It is called Amnesty for Abuse. Please look up our website and like us on Facebook.

Also, please sign and share the petition I have started on Change.org to stop Judge William Adams from presiding over child abuse cases:

Aransas County Court-at-Law Judge William Adams presides over child abuse cases, making decisions about families that need protection from their abuser(s). Recently, Judge Adam’s daughter Hillary Adams, now 23, posted a video on YouTube that shows her father lashing her with a belt and trying to force her to bend over her bed to be beaten despite her wails and pleas to stop.

The five-year statue of limitations for prosecution has passed, so no charges will be filed. Texas law allows for corporal punishment, so there are doubts as to whether the judge’s actions constitute illegal abuse. This is an issue with many facets to examine. At the bare minimum, however, he should not ever be in a position to decide child abuse cases when his ideas of “discipline” are so controversial.

nd

As I got older I learned to live in fear—fear of my father raping me yet again, fear of the vicious beatings, and mostly fear of him crossing that line and finally killing one of us. Because of that fear I gave up college scholarships to stay home and protect my mom. My older brother and sister, who had already moved out of the house, thought that made me stupid. I could have been free from all of the abuse, yet stayed to protect my mom. I don’t know if that makes a person weak or strong, but as a teenager the amount of fear shook me to my core. Maybe that is a weakness.

When I found out in 2003 that both of my parents—but especially my mom—were killed by my brother, I became very distraught and depressed. I couldn’t function in normal daily life. I withdrew and began eight years of internalized pain and solitude. I am sure that is a definition of weakness.

In 2010, I was put on trial for murder after my brother accused me of helping him to kill both of our parents. He was angry at me for agreeing to testify against him, even though I was given no choice. I was subpoenaed by the State of Florida. During my trial, many reporters called me stoic. My supporters called me strong. My attorney and investigator both said that fear for my freedom can’t be called strong or weak. It is a reality to have mixed emotions and overwhelming stress.

My defense team was frustrated that I would not allow them to say anything negative in court about my family members. We had all been through hell together and I wasn’t about to turn on them now, even to stay out of jail and even though they had turned on me. To survive a trial of this magnitude with the respect I have for my family is true strength.

When I started therapy, I thought that made me weak. However, a year later, I realize that I am a strong person. I realize that I lived this life and learned these lessons for a reason. I have let go of so much hatred for my past and believe that my purpose is to help others in my future.

I feel that if you live your life in a fog of depression and despair you will never actually survive and prosper—you will just exist. I didn’t come this far and survive what I did to remain in misery. My goal is to continue to heal and become stronger within myself. My passion is to be able to show others that abuse doesn’t have to run your life, but it can show you compassion and a willingness to help others.

So, am I strong or weak? I think that my therapist would call me strong and compassionate. I think I am halfway between the two. True strength will be when I can share all of my emotions openly.